Monday, April 9, 2012

thoughts and thankfuls

this sweet girl was born a year to the week after i met

this sweet girl.

over the past year my heart has done a lot of hurting for the latter.  i missed her, i worried about her, and i prayed constantly for her.  i was both delighted and jealous when other teams would visit Canaan's and someone would tag me in a picture of her or i would stumble across a picture on facebook of someone else holding her.  this should have thrilled me, right?  and it did.  but it also made me jealous - because she was MINE.  I loved her.  and i didn't always want to share her but there was nothing i could do about it - just like there was nothing i could do about getting her here to me or taking care of her in uganda.  even if we packed up and moved there i wouldn't be able to raise her as my own and that's just the way it is.  

it took a long time to be ok with this.  there were lots of tears cried and frustrations voiced to God.

and He gently reminded me that she isn't mine.

she is His.

and i was grateful.

as i thought back over the year during the late night and early morning feedings of Evie the first couple of weeks, i felt many of those same feelings all over again.
and for a moment i wished Sarah was mine like Evie and Silas are mine.

and then the reminder came that they aren't.

Evie and Silas are HIS too.

and i am grateful.

because if they were truly mine - oh what a disaster that would be.
but i don't have to worry about them - any of them - because they are in the best hands.
hands from which no power of hell or scheme of man can pluck them.

and the list of gratefuls continues.

I've not blogged our list of gratefuls yet so there's a good many to share today while I get caught up. We started our list in January.

1. a family choosing to be grateful
2. sharp kicks and elbows from an active baby girl in my tummy (32 weeks)
3. that Silas pooped (finally!) :)
4. the way Silas comforted me when I cried - "No cry Mommy - Silases kiss it all better."
5. the man the Lord saw fit to bless me with and 
6. that he'll come home from work to take care of me when I'm hurt or sick
7. for a bruised butt cheek because that means I fell on my butt and not my belly
8. the Target worker that went out of her way to be sweet to my screaming child not once, but twice
9. stickers at Target for a whiny boy and how they made it better
10. that the Lord puts up with my doubts and questions when I read the Old Testament and yell about how He just doesn't make sense sometimes
11. grocery carts full of food to feed my family
12. nap time and an hour or so to read the Word and be alone
13. a midwife that gives hugs and is a ray of sunshine in an otherwise annoying practice
14. Silas running around the doctor's office in his super hero cape and construction goggles
15. a friend that sticks up for me and gets upset on my behalf
16. heating pads
17. Silas' bedtime prayers "Mommy, say Thank you to Jesus for Micah, Connor, Baby Logan, Uncle Zach, and Aunt Sarah too."
18. again, a husband who takes care of me when I can't
20. finding our "Hear No, See No, Speak No Evil" monkeys under the covers in our bed because a little boy has been playing :)
21. Ambien
22. the sheer joy on Silas' face when he gets to run on the beach
23. road trips with my little family
24. Dr. Pepper
25. learning to be flexible
26. that He is near to the brokenhearted
27. when Justin and I think/say the same thing at the same time
28. exploring new places
29. Silas' excitement when he got to see a real "hopter-dopter" (helicopter)
30. visiting with friends that we don't see often
31. Justin's on-going freedom from the addictions of his past - thank you Jesus!
32. a pastor that preaches the TRUTH in a straight-forward, no-nonsense, no fluff way
33. laughter
34. that He came not to call the righteous, but sinners
35. Peanut Butter Oatmeal cookies baked with my little helper
36. productive meetings - especially those that point to Jesus
37. a huge ham cooked today that will provide nearly a week of meals
38. 35 weeks of pregnancy and the loss of ability to breathe normal breaths - that means she's almost here!
39. time spent by myself running errands and crossing things off the to-do list
40. Grande No Whip Caramel Frappacinos
41. Starbucks gift cards
42. Silas' tender heart and sweet concern for me - "don't worry Mommy"
43. bedtime prayers
44. tall glasses of milk
45. yellow finches chirping in the backyard
46. 75 degree weather in February
47. long pregnancies that come to an end ;-)
48. beautiful, healthy, perfect baby girls and the reminder that He still works miracles
49. Justin
50. compassionate and funny nurses
51. that nothing is wrong with Justin's heart and that he feels better
52. songbirds
53. having my parents here to visit and help the 1st week home with Evie
54. how sweet and tender Silas is with Evie
55. friendship - Leslie serving us by being with us during labor & delivery
56. meals brought to us for a couple of weeks
57. the means and ability to build an awesome fort for Silas
58. quick and easy post-partum healing
59. NO post-partum blues or depression this time
60. watching Captain America or Thor run around the backyard
61. the sweet scent of freshly bathed newborns
62. an abundance of milk for Evie
63. the reminder the pray in proportion to His greatness and ability - don't limit your prayers
64. that He turned His back on His children ONE TIME - at the cross - so that He'd never do it again
65. friends that are family
66. learning to craft new things
67. the morning - because joy comes and His mercies are new
68. the stone rolled away and an empty tomb

1 comment:

  1. a mama's agony is letting go of her babies and trusting them to Jesus. we know in our heads - why do our hearts take so much convincing?

    prayed for your precious little ugandan one... that she's resting, sleeping soundly with angels all around her at this very moment... and that in her dreams, she remembers you!



You know what to do!

If you ask a question in a comment I will answer with a comment so keep an eye out here. :)